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Saint Maximilian

by Jane Tragic

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1.
I keep losing my way in a particular town in southwest Virginia The highway signs mislead me every time I pass through there I’m gonna see you soon my dear, you missed me so much didn’t ya But for now I’m smoking turkish royals in a Chick Fil A parking lot And why don’t you just call me back And why’s anxiety gotta be like that And I don’t know what shit these feelings are gonna get me into next I’m stupid and I’m worthless At least I’m gorgeous when I’m shirtless So I’ll make out with another stranger cause that’s what I seem to do best I keep writing songs about shit that doesn’t matter I keep losing my sense of self on a highway headed south I think I’m getting better but I just end up much sadder But for now it’s sweet tea and cigarettes in a Chick Fil A parking lot I wanna get high as hell and scare myself into believing That all my pain will flush away when I finally reach the grave I wanna get so drunk that your face is all I’m seeing But for now I’m slowly approaching the grave in a Chick Fil A parking lot
2.
I’m in a cursed apartment complex called watergate pointe Smoking a Turkish Royal, after this there’s just one more The buildings here are a nightmare for a driver Delivering a pizza at midnight twenty-four And I swear this shitty job will be the end of me I haven’t made enough money To take care of these bills And I don’t think I will ever make enough To compensate for my utter misery But I’ll work till I can’t bear to be sober any longer And I’ll smoke till i can’t stand my coughs like violent thunder And I’ll drink till drinking feels like nothing anymore And even then I’ll keep going down to the liquor store A customer was really really nice I stood outside my car, lit a cigarette and cried This job is paying for me to get cancer This job is gonna kill me in the end This job ain’t paying me enough to make my anger worth it So I’ll drive and drive and never see this rotten town again But I’ll work till I can’t bear to be sober any longer And I’ll smoke till I can’t stand my coughs like violent thunder And I’ll drink till drinking feels like nothing anymore And even then I’ll keep going down to the fuckin liquor store
3.
Bipolar Jam 02:45
You ask me when I’m happiest, I'll tell ya I know joy in all its luminescence And I also know the darkest depths of human misery And now I need the intoxication of convalescence And my love is my bipolar’s surrogate mother And my bipolar will make sure I never recover And my recovery will make me laugh and make me shudder And my laughter is as close to me as an estranged brother ohohoh I can’t tell when I’m getting better, can ya Cause happiness is a slippery slope I’ve lost myself again like a dying old best friend And if I find myself alive I am sure that we will both elope You don’t wanna know what i’ve been thinking You can’t tell by looking where i stand My mother doesn’t know how much I’ve been drinking I’m in drowning in the truth tonight and there’s no sign of land
4.
And as the sun set over campus We smoked bowls at the back of campus I laughed at the clouds, I swear Life’s not gonna get better than this The cold air feels like velvet So sweet I can almost smell it And these are the days, my friends, Before everything turns to shit And cigarettes are cool when you’re young And I’m gonna be young for years And when you pray you’re looking for god And when I do my lucky cigarette hears Hail Satan anyway And I can feel my insides rotting I can feel my lungs a-black’nin’ I can feel the war my soul is waging Against my body & mind And I can feel myself a-leavin’ All the good things i was plannin' Just for a moment of silence Just one fucking moment of silence And every day I hate you more And every day I love you more than that And every day I hate me more And every day I love you more than that Hail Satan anyway
5.
I had a cat named Audrey She was beautiful and fluffy But she was getting older And died one cold October And skinny and with cancer Mean and cruel, a dancer And no matter what happens I know I won’t forget her And my dead cat Audrey Looks like your new girl so godly Skinnier than I will get It seems like your whole life is set And watching you move on I'm as sad as I can be But hell I’m happy that you’re happier than me I had a dog named lambert Sad and fat and pampered But she was gonna die So we killed her in July Smelly, slow with cancer Never found an answer And every day I think of her And her nasty dirty matted fur And my dead dog Lamby She looked and acted like me Fat and slow and so depressed Nobody loved her the best And watching you move on I’m as sad as I can be But hell I’m happy that you’re happier than me I had a love, we lay in bed He looked me in the eyes and said That we would be together Forever and for ever And he has been in all my dreams Ever since I was eighteen And no matter who else I see You can't take him away from me
6.
Dry lips to cigarette, cigarette to dry lips If I knew the sun was exploding I’d want it to end like this So many years I’ve been wandering round Collecting new identities like a human lost and found All around All I can stomach are cigarettes and Pat the Bunny’s voice Sometimes I try to eat but I don’t think I have a choice And I daydream now and then that there’s no food, just folk And I don’t have a body, I’m a disparate cloud of smoke So I’ll run, run away to the desert I’ll take the love inside my heart and lay it to rest And I’ll drop it off the boat and into the Severn And leave this shitshow town behind, you and all the rest All the rest Down in the desert there’s something big and wise It eats away at sadness whenever someone cries It chews away humidity, it devours the rain The sky is clear and full of stars, it conquers all my pain All my pain And I hate little tensions like the one between you and me Like the one between the clear sky and the wine-dark sea And when I say your name there’s tension in there too Such a little tension, how can I get to you? So I’ll run, run away all the way to Santa Fe My dad says I’ll be miserable anywhere I roam But at least those little tensions will finally go away And I’ll have peace and quiet, just me, all alone all alone My friend gave me a hug and I wept into her shoulder I was born to be young and I was born to get older And if I live past thirty I swear to god I will Be playing all my music, I'll be in the desert still I’ll be there still Clamp my feet to the earth, clamp the earth to the sky Clamp my heart shut with an unbreakable chain Clamp my eyes shut so I don’t cry I need a love so hard it gets clamped to my brain So I’ll run, run away to the sage and the mountains The dry air and the wild cows and the dusty sky And I’ll breathe in the wind and I’ll bathe in the fountains And love myself more than I did when I said goodbye Said goodbye And I only like you when I’m drunk and high and maybe that’s a reason to quit
7.
I tried to hang myself because I thought I deserved all of the Punishment the world could ever offer But I’ve stayed alive so long Cause for so long I felt that Death was a solace that My high ass would never deserve So here’s to you people love you more Oh fucking nevermind Oh fucking nevermind Oh fucking nevermind I am manic, oh wait, nevermind For you I would stay alive Oh fucking nevermind Oh nevermind And living’s a struggle Except when it isn’t, yeah I woke up this morning and I wasn’t in a psychiatric institution Would they put me in for madness if I killed a man for a cigarette But if they hanged me that’s a solace that My high ass will never deserve Until one day I thought I’d go to NA But I said fuck it and smoked a bowl instead And then the next week My lungs felt so weak That I said FUCK IT I’LL GO TO NA OKAY And here’s to you, the drugs love you more Oh fucking nevermind Oh fucking nevermind Oh fucking nevermind I am worthless, oh wait nevermind I’ll stay alive for myself this time and I really mean it this time
8.
Well once upon a time when the earth was green There came a band of punks so tough & mean And they walked down the tracks, unheard, unseen They took a bunch of metal from that desolate scene And they dragged those scraps all down the tracks Buried in a couple'a stolen knapsacks They came out when the sky was black Brought a crowbar in their pack And those folk punk fools You never can trust ‘em Well those dirty folk punks spent time by the train When the sky was clear or full of rain And they fought all the way through the heat and pain Cause the need to run drove them insane One day these folk punks hopped the fence And into the run-down stable they went Where the cops who’re sent into the park Keep their horses after dark And these dumbass folk punks They never saw the camera One day the folk punks started to whine They saw their face on a wanted sign They had stolen from the stable & vandalized Just a couple dumb kids with nowhere to hide Eventually they got off clean These folk punk kids so dirty & mean These folk punk kids in the folk punk scene Played at the Glass Menage, ran on nicotine Talk about irresponsible whoo-ee! Love’s folk punk when it’s torn apart Friends are folk punk when they’re not that smart And books are folk punk when they’re written by Sartre And I’m folk punk cause there’s mean in my heart And blood’s folk punk when it’s on a guitar Music’s folk punk when no one’s a star My friends and I like to drive too far In my fucked-up shitshow folk punk car Driving way too fast Follow the FedEx arrow
9.
The Madman 02:13
God is the killer of all killers Humans are the murderers of murderers Life sends more to death than she brings into this world And we, my friends, are the few surviving pillars, so May everyone you fall in love with love you in return And may happy times come upon you like a violent swarm and May you know your beauty as if it is a fact And may the wind always be at your back Love is a death-defying action And death is just as defiant of love Kindness, understanding, empathy, and joy Belong to us, my friends, more than satisfaction Death ain’t something to be afraid of Once it’s over all your pain will end The world is constructed of anger, hate, and bigotry And as for us, my friends, love is what we’re made of

credits

released March 8, 2020

Writing, vocals, ukulele, washboard, kazoo, slide whistle, glockenspiel, avocado shaker, triangle by Jane Tragic
Recorded, mixed, mastered by Jalipaz Nelson at Audioconfusion studio in Mesa, Arizona

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Jane Tragic Nashville, Tennessee

heartsick proletarian folk punk & alt-folk from nashville

instagram: @janetragic

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